Monday, August 19, 2013

Screw animal rights

     We're only three days into the school year and already kid number two is experiencing meltdown. She's been sick with the flu; I'm hoping her bad attitude is just due to fatigue. Meanwhile the dog is tied up and nesting by the sofa and emitting high pitched whines and almost inaudible sighs non stop, the cat is barricaded in the bathroom and meowing approximately seventy times per minute, and I'm ready to commit some non PETA approved infractions against animal rights. I'm starting to think that all pets should be outside pets, wildlife and cars be damned.
     The dog, for whatever the hell reason makes sense to a dog brain, has decided to start peeing all around the house. In the front room, by the fridge, carpeted, tiled, you name it, he's peeing on it. I personally would much rather have a pet leave solid waste than a lake of pee; it's a lot easier to clean up, and you don't have to deal with any mental or emotional nonsense, i.e., 'this is now my magic marked spot that I need to maintain and re-mark.' I've tried white vinegar, rubbing alcohol, peroxide, blue Dawn dish soap, cinnamon oil, cinnamon powder, chili pepper oil, chili pepper powder, lemon essential oil, grapefruit essential oil, orange oil, orange cleaning product, ten different pee/odor b gone type pet store products, a combination of all of the above, and bleach of various dilutions. I don't even care about the damage to the carpet anymore, I just want the smell gone. You'd think one would get used to the hellish odor after a while, but no.
     I burn candles, cook liquid potpourri on the stove, light oil burners, and oh, yeah, clean the damn carpet about once a day with my Bissell, but the house doesn't smell like anything but fresh/and/or/stale cat and dog pee. This is because the cat feels the need to keep up with the dog and pee over the pee spot that the dog has just used, for maximum pee marking power, just in case any of us are confused about whose magic damn spot this is.
      I've taken the dog to the vet, taken him for a walk twenty times a day, monitored his drinking water levels, I've even put doggie diapers on him, and he is still leaking all over the damn house, which then, cue the cat for an encore performance. And the hell of it is, when he wears a diaper all the time, it stays dry. The minutes I take it off, he pees again. I mean, Jesus Christ, dog, wtf?
      I'm desperate. I can't stand it. They're keeping me up all night, they're ruining the house, and I can't ethically hold them up in my arms and beg an owl or eagle to take them away from here (although I can dream).  I don't have the money for shock collars, and I'm not sure how I feel about them, anyway. I guess I could put one on and try it out, myself. Or,  I suppose I could use all of our grocery and gas money and consult a pet therapist, or pet accupuncturist, or a pet psychic,  or just tape super absorbent diapers to both of their furry little arses for the next fifteen years, or hell, maybe I could start marking the house, myself, to declare that this is my little kingdom. Goddamn animal brains. Goddamn animals. I can put up with almost anything but this. I've always had a super sensitive nose, and frankly, I'm in hell. I can't deal with tired, overly emotional teens and this, too. What do I have to do? Do I have to crawl in the litter box and remind the damn cat how it is? Do I need to crouch outside and perform for the dog until he is inspired again? Gawd. 

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